my battle with anxiety and depression
since I was 18 I've never had a happy life.
on July 14 my Nana that year sadly passed away. since been born I'd seen her every day. she would go on family holidays with us. we would celebrate Christmas partying. when I got older I would go visit her everyday after school before I went out with my friends. she would love hear me gossiping about what I was up to. then she got I'll. I visited her everyday in hospital. the day before she passed away I begged her not to leave me. I couldn't imagine her not been there. sadly the next day my mum came to my flat and told me she had gone. I never had chance to say I loved her. I didn't grieve. my mum was falling apart I had to be strong for her. instead I drank. I went to work and partyed all weekend. I hid my sorrow with fake laughter. each year got harder. all I kept thinking was why was I selfish begging her to stay. she was old and very ill. why didn't I just say it was OK and I loved her. two years after I gave birth to my son. the first night I brought him home I sat and cried thinking my nanna would have loved to have met him. I should have been happy but I felt so low. the doctor diagnosed me with post natal depression. when he was 4mths old I started back at work thinking it would help me. my mood put a strain on my relationship with my partner I had been with for 8 years. I decided the best thing would be for me to be single. one day I just woke up packed a bag took my son and left. then after been single for 3 years I met my partner I'm with now. I fell in love. he understood me. he knew when I was having my bad days and would be there. every now and again he would say why don't you go to the doctors and speak about it. I kept saying I was OK and faked my happiness. two years ago my anxiety started. I stopped going out. I thought people would be talking about me. when friends asked if I was going out I made an excuse up and stayed in. day after day it got worse. I didn't want to get up on a morning. it was easier now because my kids were old enough to go to school on their own. I would drag myself out of bed and put a fake smile on. I was good at it I'd been practicing for 16 years. I would sort the kids out and send them to school then go back to bed to hide. I would lay worrying if they was going to be OK. then I'd start worrying about what to do for tea all day it would be on my mind. I fell into routine which to this day I can't break. i would have days where i would cry over everything it just got worse I thought I was going mad.my partner sat me down and demanded me to speak to my doctor. we went and I broke down. I couldn't stop. I told him everything. he was nice.i reassured me I wasn't mad and I could be happy again. he prescribed me antidepressants and therapy. for a full year I took my tablets and went to therapy. I felt normal again. at the beginning of this year like fool I stopped therapy and my tablets. after a month I felt myself sinking again but this time bad. I started having panic attacks. I would worry about everything. I couldn't see there was anyway of getting better this time I felt everything was falling apart around me. again my partner took me to the doctors and I was prescribe antidepressants again and therapy. I've took my tablets every day and gone gone to all my appointments. I'm having more good days now and for once in 18 years I'm looking forward to Christmas. I still suffer with my anxiety but I have ways of coping with that. I no longer need to fake my smile it comes natural. this time I told all my friends and family what I have been battling for the last 18 years and their all supportive. my life is finally becoming where I want to be alive not just exist. I know I have to live with this battle for the rest of my life but I'm always going to be winning from now on. therapy is the answer.
Written by Jessica Hezelgrave